Heroes

One shot. Two shots. Three shots, four. It goes down, but it’s all a bore. I don’t know why we choose to do it but we do. We keep it all in, me and you. Concealer on the freckles, she says they make her look too young; her eyelids raccoons, she says without the shadows it’s no fun. She paints her face, I keep mine plain, It’s a mask, because we’re perfect, we can’t feel pain. They say we’re young and stupid, but we know we’re invincible. It’s too hard to be responsible, it’s too hard to be just. It’s too much to accept the flaws, so we’ll turn them into lust. Another swig, a puff of smoke, we both know it’s all a joke. She grabs my hand, she pulls me to the floor, my body swaying to the beat, my mind drifting out the door. He grabs my waist. Who? I don’t know. Moves me close but it seems so silly, it’s just a way to waste some time. She’ll go to church tomorrow, it’ll all be forgiven. I’ll go home and sit and sulk. Of my worries, I’ll hardly be ridden.

Back then things were easier, maybe I was naive. I guess it’s because I was younger, I was harder to deceive. In overalls with curls flowing free, I’d pass by those smelly smoldering cylindrical lung-destroyers. I’d hold my breath. You can’t get ME! I know you lead to death. I’d run away, HAH! I beat you! Defeated smoking dragons, lying crumpled on the street like pale and shriveled snakes; yeah I’m kind of a hero. Now I kind of like the smell, it reminds me of home, or maybe of the comfort of the unknown.

That guy that’s slithering behind me, all I feel is cold. He’s getting a bit too bold.

“We should go somewhere else!” I yell to her, but It’s hard to hear, especially when her face is on someone else’s, the beat thumping in our ears. The bass hits my chest, it shakes my heart. I know it’s time to leave, I don’t know how to start. I pivot back, the snake’s still there. He thinks he’s cute, running his hand through his hair. Smiling at me, venom dripping from perfect fangs, he’s entitled, thinks I owe him. I don’t really care. The windows melt to bars, keeping us all in, the people like walls, touching skin to skin. I try to leave this prison that I chose to be in, “It’s not my fault! I’m a victim!”

I look around in hopeless bewilderment. She turns her face towards me looking all content, the shadows smeared and smudged. Painted lips pucker, blowing a kiss at me. My frantic message failed to send. I wait for her to notice, I wait for her to see. My distress doesn’t register, it’s all about me, me, me. I need some air, I need a drink, I need to escape; outside? Or to the nearest sink? The music still thumps, my heart still beats, they’re not synced anymore though, me and this beast. I don’t fit in, I don’t belong, I’m too young to be wasting my life away, I need someone to lean on.

A head crops up, clearing the drunken mass, the facade doesn’t keep him in, and he manages to pass. Green eyes meet my brown, finally, a grin. I’m pulled forward, magnetized to a place where I might fit in. Friends’ hands meet, and I’m pulled from the cocky serpent. I didn’t think I needed someone to defeat the reptiles for me.

My body smashes against his, a perfectly sized hug like it always is. He spins me around and we twirl off beat. Salsa dancing, and the club makes way. They can’t keep us in, it doesn’t matter what they say. Some mental faculties have returned; control. Not stolen or borrowed but earned. Lost in green, rimmed in feathery black, forgetting what’s past, I’ll blunder my way to find who I’ll be, grow from who I’ve been. But I can’t reverse, I can’t turn time. I’ll find a way through the crowd next time.

I remember last month, or was it last week? I keep on trying, but Freckles and I have peaked.

“You want to hang out?” I plead, I hope. I try to sound calm. My voice may have broke.

“No; cant today.” Liar. Freckles singed from cheeks on fire. Dyed blonde hair and shifting eyes, revealing some fakeness inside.

“Hey, I have a problem,” she says one day, “I can’t get my life together, my mum’s telling me I’m not okay.” Her pleading desperation: help me keep my fears away. Stars in her eyes, glinting with hope in those murky blue skies.

The hero within me comes to the rescue, I’ll brandish my sword! I’ll help you defeat those demons, maybe friendship will be my reward.

“You’re a good person, that we all know. I admire how much you try in sports; it doesn’t matter that your grades are low.” I know she believes me, what else am I there for? A friend maybe? A pal? A spare? No, none of those, but don’t despair, for some reason I’m still here to settle the board, the score.

The night’s not done with his fun, but the sky’s orange with light. I turn to find the racoon eyes, too bad they’re hidden from sight. She’s gone and left. I’m here struggling with all my might.

Spinning in circles, beat in my mind, I need to find a way out. I’ll have to save myself though, stop looking for someone else to relieve my doubt. A friend can’t save me, their white horses are already employed. I’ll have to be my own knight in shining armour, my own problems I can’t avoid. A little drunk, a little high, a little stupid, but I’ll shake it off, this funk, even heroes need a night off.

But not tonight.